For this piece of writing I have focussing on my vocabulary and punctuation. I have been learning to
- use a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning (Year ⅞)
- use all basic punctuation independently and attempt more complex punctuation (eg semicolons, colons, parentheses) (Year ⅞)
The pieces of my writing that are highlighted green are where I have shown my vocabulary and punctuation goal
Hamburg was a cold and dangerous place with the war, it was always nice and jolly now it had the scent of gunpowder and the look of one of your nightmares.
Marie was an 12 year old girl living by herself in the lonely cold war and she had no parents so she had to look after the farm all by herself, no one to say goodnight to her and nobody to feed her.
It was Marie’s birthday the date july 13th in 1945, one year since her dad died in the war and her mum died with an heart attack, but no one celebrated birthday’s anyway because it was to dangerous. The war was still going on people kept on dropping to the graves. This year it was her 13 and all she wanted was her parents to be alive again.
She blew out the lonely candles on a big cake that could feed 50, and wished to see her dad and mum when they were alive. POW, BANG, POW her mind stretched as she got dizzy she landed in a strange place not knowing where not knowing when. It smelt like gunpowder, she felt strange, scared and frightened.
BANG! a shell shoot past, bang, bang! two more, her dad came out of the distance a foggy distance with a limp a bandage and a gun.
“Hey, you, child over there rrrruuuunnnn” her dad yelled “get to safety” she needed a very fast pace to get to the nearest building a smashed one with a poster lying on the ground and had a date on it she read out “1943” she whispered, the year her mum and dad died. She had gone back in time.
Marie heard a ticking noise tick tick tick tick a bomb, her dad was outside the bomb had 5 minutes left, tick tick tick tick it getting louder. She picked it up and ran, ran and ran and ran.
“Hult” a strange man uttered she hid the bomb “what are you doing here” he asked with a gun up against her head “I will shoot you” the man announced with a deep voice that had that little bit of fear. She didn't comment, “What country or town are you from?” he yelled in her ear.
“Hamburg, Germany” she mumbled.
“Hahahahahaha” The man laughed and put the gun away “we better get you to the shelter”. So they ran to the shelter.
Once they got near to the shelter there was 30 seconds left on the bomb she chucked it as far as she could and it made into the enemy's base it was NZ base.
More than 2,000 people died and they were not only New Zealanders, refuges were within 100 metres and it destroyed the camp they were heading to. Marie’s mind was wanting to go back to her house to her home but one part of her brain wanted to stay to see her father again but that other part of her brain knew it was dangerous…